


Dirk and Callie Make a Porno

by Caracalliope



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Collaborative Erotica, Friendship is Magic, Gen, Xenocultural Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:42:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26669161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caracalliope/pseuds/Caracalliope
Summary: UU: dirk. i want yoU to write me some pornography.UU: that is, if it is not too mUch troUble, dear.
Relationships: Calliope & Dirk Strider
Comments: 12
Kudos: 36





	Dirk and Callie Make a Porno

TT: _“Gadzooks”, whispered the muddy stableboy, overwhelmed by the sheer titanic majesty of his prince’s pristine human member. That member was so big that it had horses clipclopping away in shame, their self-esteem taking a deadly hit whenever the prince walked up to the stables. Which was something he’s been doing often._

UU: XU  
UU: go on go on!!!!!!!!!!  
UU: please.

TT: _With trembling obedience, the stableboy reached down to his britches_ , or were they breeches? Let’s just roll with it. The point is, _he started undressing for his badass gold-haired warrior prince, knowing that tonight, he will surrender his most precious flower._

UU: wait  
UU: mightn’t that be a wee bit ooc?

TT: Excuse me?  
  
UU: ux i’m so sorry to be a bother, love. bUt i don’t believe the stableboy is ready to Undress yet… he is too shy!  
  
TT: I hear you, but he already let the prince use his mouth, his hay bucket, and his hands that are covered in the calluses of honest but boring-ass work. He’s kinda runnin’ out of options here.  
  
UU: bUt if he sUrrenders his most precioUs flower, i can never see them together again. i’m sorry, but i am jUst not ready. maybe the prince coUld roger his knobbly bared knees?  
  
TT: That is hilarious, so yes. But why do you assume you’ll never see him again? I can keep doing this, it ain’t a hardship.  
  
UU: bUt once the prince takes him… i’m sorry, i can’t say it, it’s too embarrassing.  
  
TT: Aw, come on. I thought we both left embarrassment station like three deepthroatings ago.  
  
UU: once they are both nUde and the prince gets him pregnant, the stableboy needs to host their hUman infants, yes? oh i do hope i did not get that wrong, i woUld hate to be cUlturally insensitive.  
  
TT: No, I can roll with it. I take it you’re not into pregsex. That’s cool, we’ll just wait until the stableboy pops the babies out.  
  
UU: no, i am simply too bloody faint of heart to see the, Um, the cravings.  
  
TT: Cravings?  
  
UU: when the pregnant one consUmes his lover’s flesh. i know it’s romantic bUt it is simply too mUch!  
  
TT: Wait, the uke vores the seme? Guess that makes sense, entomologically speaking.  
  
UU: i am not opposed to seeing the aftermath, when the yoUnglings eat the stableboy. i find that to be mUch less… affecting!  
  
TT: Affecting as in like…?  
  
UU: *blUshblUshblUshBLUSH*  
  
TT: Huh. No, we certainly can’t have any frisky nonsense in this respectable establishment. Cold, hard, throbbing biological facts only.  
  
UU: i respect yoUr hUman biology! bUt trUly, i prefer the anticipation to the climax.  
  
TT: Okay, we can still Zeno’s paradox this bitch. The turtle is the nudity and subsequent parenthood, and Achilles is all the smut that these guys can generate without ever getting buck-ass ready to consummate their mésalliance.  
  
UU: :u? i’m sorry, dear, i don’t follow.  
  
TT: What I am saying is. Challenge. Fucking. Accepted.

**Author's Note:**

> Does Dirk ever explain to Callie that non-vore pregnancies exist? Yes, but he needs a lot of persuasion.  
>    
>  DIRK: When you really think about it, what do I know about pregnancy? It's all theoretical to me, just like it is for Calliope. Why would I overwrite her subjective truth with my own? We are both the bastard children of a hostile world, blindly groping the internet for answers.  
>  ROXY: oh my fucking god please just tell her i dont have an ovipositor  
>  DIRK: Not with that attitude you don't.


End file.
